The way we resolve conflicts reflects in our professional achievements and in the quality of our personal lives as well. Nourishing great relationships is the number one factor affecting our overall well-being and it doesn’t matter if it is about the people we work with, live with, or hang with. Like it or not, the way we communicate with people around us affects the way we feel and so the way we think which inevitably shapes the person we are.
Any negative feeling towards someone is damaging to ourselves, not for the other person. You are the only one responsible for your emotions and the way you relate to people. Let’s say you sit in a cab in the morning and you are heading towards your destination. The driver takes an unusual route where the traffic seems heavy. You are late and frustrated and so you start questioning the driver’s choice. For the rest of the day, this person simply carries on and does his best to deliver his passengers to their destination while you blame the driver in front of your colleagues for your late arrival and feel stressed for the rest of the day. Who is the one that gets affected?
When we keep grudges against people, we create stress in our own minds which harms our well-being and lowers our performance. It also prevents us from maintaining healthy relationships and build new connections which is the most important contributor to our happiness level. Forgiveness is the key to stay positive and build meaningful relationships so that we can live in bliss and keep our minds in a state where it functions at its best. Releasing this tension can even lead to increasing the rate our brain builds new cells. Compassion is a skill like any other and so there is a way to train your mind to forgive.
The way we manage our relationships and resolve conflicts on a day to day basis always routes in our communication, whether it is verbalized or not. Nonviolent communication (aka compassionate or collaborative communication) means approaching others with self-empathy (awareness about our own feelings and needs) and empathy (observing the same in others). This technique was developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s and it is an effective method to train our ability of compassion and forgiveness.
It is important to note that nonviolent communication does not have to equal violence in the classic meaning of the word. It simply means a lack of emotional intelligence shown in a conversation. Compassionate and collaborative communication means being able to disagree with people while respecting and accepting their point of view.
Here is a quick exercise you can try in order to practice nonviolent communication.
5 Easy but Outstanding steps to Resolve Conflicts
Step 1: Definition of the situation
Think of a time when you experienced a conflict with another person which might evoked negative feelings in you. It could be as little as a single word from a colleague that you took to heart or a long argument with a loved one. Try to remember each detail of this incident and recall the reactions of both sides from an objective and detached point of view, just like you were watching a movie. This will later help you recall the clues that lead to the root cause. You can write down the details in your journal or visualize it with your eyes closed.
Step 2: Reflecting on your emotions
What were the most dominant emotions you felt at that time? Did you feel angry or said? Maybe frustrated about something? Describe the feelings that took over when you had this experience without immersing yourself in them. Remember how the other person made you feel but stay objective from a viewpoint of an observer.
Step 3: Discover your unmet needs
According to The Center of Nonviolent Communication, every negative emotion comes from an unmet need of ours. These needs go far beyond our basic bodily needs at the bottom of the Maslow pyramid and touch more on our human desire of self-expression, connection, and self-actualization. The Center of Nonviolent Communication lists 77 of these human needs in their inventory that drive us as well as our actions and when unsatisfied, drive us crazy. In other words, they put us into conflicts with one another.
Parent-child battles are often based on the changing needs of closeness and safety versus autonomy and freedom. A fight with our boss might affect our need to matter and to be understood while a disagreement with our significant other often relates to one of our deepest desires: to be loved. In order to achieve efficient conflict resolution, we have to be aware of the root cause of our emotions which is responsible for turning an idea-exchange into hurt feelings.
Step 4: Feelings on the other side
This is when we need to challenge our ability to feel empathy towards the other person. Again, make sure you don’t judge the situation: just try to depict what your friend/colleague/partner might have felt when they said those words to you. Even if they didn’t express openly or they might have even got a bit defensive, you can most probably discover an underlying feeling that dominated on their side of the conversation.
Step 5: The other person’s needs
Last but not least, try to uncover what was the need of the other person that was not met. They might have felt un-understood if they kept on repeating their words to you without you actually listening. Perhaps, when you tried giving an advice they felt violated in their need for freedom and choice. It is also important to note that the other person’s needs are not your responsibility, just like your needs are not theirs.
Nonviolent communication teaches us to be responsible for our own emotions, needs, and fulfillment without blaming others or trying to please them. It is about raising our awareness to the way we express ourselves and how we make others feel. Most of the time, we are simply projecting previous relationship models and the patterns we have learned at an early age to current relationships and situations. Revealing and resolving these patterns might take years but this simple exercise has the power to change our perception in a matter of minutes and to wire our brain to be more compassionate at all times.
Of course, no one grows up with an ever patient attitude of a spiritual monk who is bulletproof to criticism and capable of feeling compassion for every living being on this planet. Hurt people hurt people and these scars travel through generations unless we stop for a minute to self-reflect and reverse the cycle. Taking a single step can create a huge change in the world so that our mindfulness becomes contagious.
Sometimes, we carry grudges with us for years and we feel a negative charge against someone who has stepped out of our lives long ago. Exes, frenemies, and past colleagues can carry hurtful memories that don’t serve us anymore unless we decide to forgive. It is easier said than done but meditation has the power to reprogram our brain to more compassionate thoughts that create a positive impact on how we feel.
Forgiveness Meditation
If you are not a regular meditation practitioner, the “M” word might sound a bit scary or too spiritual to you. However, meditation is not something grandiose, difficult, or time-consuming and you don’t have to spend 30 years in a Zen temple to master it. A few minutes of meditation a day can significantly improve the quality of your life and has countless benefits like reducing your stress level, improving your focus, and strengthening your immune system.
The forgiveness meditation is meant to clear negative charges within you from past incidents or ones that you were afraid of happening but they didn’t even take place. Sometimes, we imagine the situation of an argument with someone in so many different variations just to realize when we get to their door that we had no reason to be angry at them. Other times, we keep negative emotions in ourselves from a small misunderstanding which then rules our entire day and harms our relationships.
What we focus on is what creates our thoughts. Our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings lead to our actions. This is why the forgiveness meditation is so powerful: because it shifts our focus to a more positive direction that will generate healthier thoughts and thus, we will feel better inside. You are not just responsible for your actions but your feelings and thoughts as well which create your reality. You are not dependent on the reaction of anyone else and if you build mental strength, criticism will bounce off of you. Here is how this powerful technique works:
Lie down on your bed or sit in a comfortable cross-legged position. Make sure that your phone is switched off and nobody can disturb you. Start with taking a few deep breaths all the way to the bottom of your lungs so that your belly rises a little. Scan your body from the top of your head down to your toes and let go of any tension. At this point, you are completely relaxed.
Now, picture the situation with the other person that evoked negative emotions in you. Recall the event just like you were watching a movie scene in front of you. After that, shift angles and see it from the other person’s viewpoint. Try to discover what could have made them say what they said and do what they have done? What kind of life events could have shaped the person they are and their perception? What were they trying to achieve? Don’t try to judge if it is right or wrong, just observe them and the situation in your mind’s eye.
Now that you see more clearly, it is time to let go. Visualize this person just a few steps in front of you and look into their eyes. Imagine you forgiving them: take a deep breath and let go of any negative charges within you. You can allow a subtle smile on your face. Now, imagine them forgiving you for anything you might have done or thought “against” them. Take another deep breath, and let it go. When you are ready, slowly open your eyes.
Forgiveness doesn’t always come easy, but you can practice it just like any other skill and each time it will become easier and easier. This short meditation can help you resolve minor conflicts you might encounter during the day or overcome old grudges with your loved ones that you might have been keeping inside of you for years without even being aware of it.
Once you get into the habit of practicing forgiveness, your “empathy muscle” will get stronger day by day and you will be able to move ahead when these situations occur without letting negative emotions in. Dealing with criticism and being able to look at things from another person’s perspective is one of the absolute most valuable skills in today’s world and I promise you that it will get you far.
If you would like to practice the meditation with a guided audio, you can try the free Quest program from Mindvalley that will teach you how to do it step by step. After a week you will realize that meditation is effortless and everyone can learn it with just 20 minutes of time investment a day.
Never underestimate the power of empathy. We live in a world that needs compassion and unity so badly and with the help of the internet, we have a chance to create an impact like never before. It is our responsibility to leave this world in a better state for our children than how we found it and we have the power to make violence obsolete from the smallest acts to bigger events. Let’s make the planet a better place, one moment of forgiveness at a time.
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